I find the amount of self validation that I seek in others revolting.

While skimming through multiple social networking sites this morning, I started to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's a sinking feeling that I've gotten every now and then for as long as I can remember. The sinking feeling that slowly bubbles, churns, and spews up feelings of worthlessness and insecurity. Acidic feelings that weigh your body down and eat away at your self image.

If there's one thing that I've learned in my early 20s, it's that every community, no matter who you are, has situations that cause this feeling in it's members. Of course there's not being thin enough. Or being smart enough. Or rich enough. But what about the alternative communities? What happens when you're not fat, hairy, and masculine enough? What happens when you're not queer, ecofriendly, or left-wing enough? What happens when you're not the mold that your community has set forth for you to be? Going against the very community that may have been there for you to thrive in can also be the driving force for insanity.

Every case is different. I know that there are people out there that can say that they're in love with themselves. They wouldn't change anything for anything - they know that who they are is who they were meant to be, and it drives them.

What about the rest of us? For some of us, self confidence is fleeting. It comes and goes. It's completely proportional to your pant size, bulge of your wallet, or number of friends on Facebook. Why is it that for some of us, it's always just out of hands reach?

A couple years ago, I knew that I had done it. I had achieved the notoriety (as well as the confidence) that was rightfully mine. People knew me, I was in the middle of the everything, and it was nice knowing that I had a 'family' that I could count on. Fast forward a year, when all that is stripped away. Those that were believed to be my livelihood are gone, and when I look back on that life I can't seem to remember who was living it. When those people left, did they take my sense of belonging, of self love with them? Was my feeling validation attached to select people, giving them the right to take it away should they feel that I wasn't worthy any more? It's still shocking to me that I may have gave people that ability so easily, and now I have to fight to get it back. I have to fight to feel like I'm worth someone's time, like I'm worth someone's life. I have to fight to feel that I can stand up to the most attractive, the most successful, the most popular.

Or, on the other hand, are some of us destined to be the docile guys that sulk in the corners and feel that churning feeling in our stomach whenever someone we deem 'better' than ourselves enters the room? Knowing that I'm still young and have time to find how this works isn't enough for me. I don't want to feel this anymore, and I don't believe that I should have to. I'm waiting for the day when things click, and I find my beauty inside. Searching for what feels like an entertinity can be more than exhausting.

If you don't love yourself, how the hell are you supposed to love someone else?

That may be true, but how do you complete step one?

Funny that this is my first post in a couple of years.

New Years Everything (condensed)

Finally am done winding down from the holidays. Took me long enough, eh?

This past year, I tried to bypass the holidays as much as possible. After all, they're not there if you can't see them, right? Er, or is that not right?
The fact that the holidays were a COMPLETE 180 from last year was the most difficult thing I think I've had to work with in awhile. During Christmas of 2007, I had a family. I loved someone. I was stable. Somehow, that's all left me within the past year. Well, not necessarily somehow, perse', but..it's gone.
Who would have known that making one decision would cause my life to spiral, huh? I sure as fuck didn't stop to think about the ripples that everything causes, that's for sure. And now, months later, I'm not feeling the effects of everything that's been done over this past year. I know that everyone feels and heals differently, but seriously? Am I that emotionally delayed? I've found that I'm one of 'those people.' The ones that put on the brave 'I'm totally ok' faces. Looking back, it's so funny to me that I chose to put that face on, rather than eat my own choices and move forward. But why do that when I'm totally fine, right?

So here I am at the beginning of the new year. A year that I vowed would change my life forever in a positive direction, undoing the emotional raping that 2008 gave me. Here I am at the beginning, and I believe that I'm in the darkest space that I've ever been.
Ever? I do believe, that after looking back, yes, ever. I've never been simply 'floating' as much as I am right now. Jobless (yet again), lonely as anything, and in constant fear of losing everything.
I need to stop stressing. Afterall, that'll cause me to lose my hair, and at this point that's all I have going for me. That, of course, and my face full of fashion. But that's a different blog.
My year of hope and determination, of goals and adventures, has started off with a blank, dull piece of butcher paper. Which I suppose is only fitting. Makes it easier to gauge your progress, right? May be true, but it just feels like the sky just opened up and sprayed diarhea on your face, truely.

But what can ya do? You have to move through these things. I can't run away, so what else is there to do? I have to pull out my independant skills and do whatever I have to do in order to make sure that I'm not only ok, but in a space to complete everything that I want to this year. Some people say to think and act only day-by-day, but I find that logic severely flawed. Shouldn't you look forward, to the future, so that you can see what you need to accomplish and do what's neccesary in order to get to that space? Day-by-day implies that if you make it through today, then it's ok, that's all that you had to do. Talk about floundering. LIVE for today, yes, but think forward in order to get your shit together.
I figure within the first quarter of this year, I'll be stable and ready to do what I need to for the rest of the year, which is good. Realistic and comforting. Those two very rarely go together, so I'm excited about the possibilities.


Now that I'm done with that. Time to tackle Katy Perry. I know that I've ranted about her before. I mean, my first post on this site (and my favorite to date) was about her. I hate I Kissed a Girl.
That being said, her new single is AMAZING. Perhaps I was too quick to judge this 'record lable manufactured wet dream'?
'Thinking of You' says everything in four minutes that I've been trying to say for months. The fact that she wrote it herself says something for the fact that she knows how her voice works. Her voice glides without ever stumbling (don't even get me started on Hot & Cold), it's rather perfect. The video plays on her 'I swear I'm uber retro' motif, but I can forgive that, for she shared this masterpiece with us. Perhaps I'm easy to please, or the fact that this is EXACTLY what I've needed to hear forever, but I'm in love with it. Is she going on tour? I'd see her just for this song. I'm left confused with her, still.


"Look at my eggs! Look at them! ..please? OH GOD, PLEASE!"

I still miss him.

Sometimes, when I'm laying in bed, for the couple moments right before I fall asleep.
When I'm shaving, making room for someone to be shaving by me that's not there.
While driving and I expect a hand on my thigh.
To puke out some random show quote to him, just to have him complete it.
When I feel someone looking at me, I turn around, and it's not him.
At times I feel my heart yearning for something I can't give it.

I really, really miss him.

And it happened on a Monday!

This is my last week of work, and I have nothing lined up for after it other than unemployment.
This is the most depressing thing ever! Except for breaking the ex's nose on my car.
But this is a close second.

A vacation is nice, but I'm praying that I don't fall insane.
A job with money would be nice, but good luck trying to solve that enigma.
Can't run away from this one, either. Not saying that I would.
But I totally would.

If I get past the next 2 months, I can get past all of '09!

"It's ok, as long as it doesn't touch me..."

Who's ready for 2009? Steven is.

I was hoping to come back to my cozy little blog with something to rant about. Or at least write a few paragraphs about how seeing Sarah Pallin cry filled the emptiness I've had inside for years. Unfortunately, because of the events in the last couple months, I have little more emotional strength than for self pity, at this point. Pathetic, I know. I figure that since I don't bith about it on a day to day basis I should at least blog about it.

Getting a new job was amazing a few months ago. It freed me from the tyranny of working for a massive corporation, and it came at the perfect time. However, due to the economic downturn, I'm guessing at this point it wasn't everything that I thought it would be. Amazing job, amazing pay, amazing hours, but it's gone. My company is choosing to downsize next month, and I'll be jobless right before Christmas. Merry Christmas, Steven. Try finding a job around this time of year that isn't retail or seasonal. See how ya do.
This was the perfect one month anniversary from having to break my ex's nose and walk around downtown Seattle, stranded for hours with blood down my shirt until I could get a bus to come back up north. Gotta love the fact he hid my keys.
The dent caused by his face is going to make it harder to get rid of my car, which (since it was purchased with my ex partner and I) I'm finding it nearly impossible to care for by myself.
Mix that with stress about housing, moving, actually seeing my Dad's side of the family (shocking, I know) for the holidays, and the usual financial struggle, and you can understand why I'm not really feeling this holiday season this year. Funny, nothing in the past has caused me to feel discouraged around this time of year, but this little cocktail I have going on is not helping in the slightest.

One day I'll look back and go "ya, that was a bad time but I learned _____ and how to ________ and I got _____ out of it." Right now it hurts. And it's hard. I can't quit, so I guess it's good that I'm no quitter.

BUT 2009 WILL BE FANTASTIC.
Starting the year off by seeing Adele in January, bear runs, pride, UK 09, and the holidays next year are going to make up the horrid, painfully long year 08 has been.
Thumbs up, I suppose.

Bitch Be OUT!!

Wednesday was an amazing day! Probably the best one in awhile, actually.
I had my interview for my new job. I felt it went extremely well, and I must say that I was sure that I had it.
So I quit my job.
Since I was in a horrible mood anyways, I figured that I would just quit. I knew if I didn't do it spontaneously (like most of my large decisions) it wouldn't happen. So after my first break, I sat down at my coach's desk, and told her I quit, I couldn't take it anymore, goddammit.
I could've been more dramatic about it, but then again, both avenues give me the same freedom, so why worry about it.
So I'm out. No more cell phone talk for me. If someone asks me about their bill, I'll seriously find a grapefruit spoon to stab your jugular with.
On Thursday I got the call that I officially got the job, which saves me from having to say that my awesome plan backfired and I didn't get the job, etc etc. I start in a week or so, I get to enjoy a little vacation right before my birthday weekend. It's an amazing time.

It's funny... You know it's a horrible place to work when you leave and people are like 'I'm so jealous! Congratulations! That's awesome!' bwhahaha.
I'm excited for this new job. We'll see how it goes.

OH! And 2009 is going to be Steven's Bear Run year. I'm planning on going to Phurfest AND Spring Thaw so far, but we'll see if anything else comes up. Sweeeeet.
Oh, bear runs. *le sigh*

<3

"I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"
"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"

Just sitting here alone this morning, slowly waking up. Waiting for the day to get started, but not anxious at this point. I have the feeling I need to jump start my life again and get everything blown back into proportion. Boys are scummy, and it's depressing. F'in boys. Maybe I'll become a lezzie.