This past year, I tried to bypass the holidays as much as possible. After all, they're not there if you can't see them, right? Er, or is that not right?
The fact that the holidays were a COMPLETE 180 from last year was the most difficult thing I think I've had to work with in awhile. During Christmas of 2007, I had a family. I loved someone. I was stable. Somehow, that's all left me within the past year. Well, not necessarily somehow, perse', but..it's gone.
Who would have known that making one decision would cause my life to spiral, huh? I sure as fuck didn't stop to think about the ripples that everything causes, that's for sure. And now, months later, I'm not feeling the effects of everything that's been done over this past year. I know that everyone feels and heals differently, but seriously? Am I that emotionally delayed? I've found that I'm one of 'those people.' The ones that put on the brave 'I'm totally ok' faces. Looking back, it's so funny to me that I chose to put that face on, rather than eat my own choices and move forward. But why do that when I'm totally fine, right?
So here I am at the beginning of the new year. A year that I vowed would change my life forever in a positive direction, undoing the emotional raping that 2008 gave me. Here I am at the beginning, and I believe that I'm in the darkest space that I've ever been.
Ever? I do believe, that after looking back, yes, ever. I've never been simply 'floating' as much as I am right now. Jobless (yet again), lonely as anything, and in constant fear of losing everything.
I need to stop stressing. Afterall, that'll cause me to lose my hair, and at this point that's all I have going for me. That, of course, and my face full of fashion. But that's a different blog.
My year of hope and determination, of goals and adventures, has started off with a blank, dull piece of butcher paper. Which I suppose is only fitting. Makes it easier to gauge your progress, right? May be true, but it just feels like the sky just opened up and sprayed diarhea on your face, truely.
But what can ya do? You have to move through these things. I can't run away, so what else is there to do? I have to pull out my independant skills and do whatever I have to do in order to make sure that I'm not only ok, but in a space to complete everything that I want to this year. Some people say to think and act only day-by-day, but I find that logic severely flawed. Shouldn't you look forward, to the future, so that you can see what you need to accomplish and do what's neccesary in order to get to that space? Day-by-day implies that if you make it through today, then it's ok, that's all that you had to do. Talk about floundering. LIVE for today, yes, but think forward in order to get your shit together.
I figure within the first quarter of this year, I'll be stable and ready to do what I need to for the rest of the year, which is good. Realistic and comforting. Those two very rarely go together, so I'm excited about the possibilities.
Now that I'm done with that. Time to tackle Katy Perry. I know that I've ranted about her before. I mean, my first post on this site (and my favorite to date) was about her. I hate I Kissed a Girl.
That being said, her new single is AMAZING. Perhaps I was too quick to judge this 'record lable manufactured wet dream'?
'Thinking of You' says everything in four minutes that I've been trying to say for months. The fact that she wrote it herself says something for the fact that she knows how her voice works. Her voice glides without ever stumbling (don't even get me started on Hot & Cold), it's rather perfect. The video plays on her 'I swear I'm uber retro' motif, but I can forgive that, for she shared this masterpiece with us. Perhaps I'm easy to please, or the fact that this is EXACTLY what I've needed to hear forever, but I'm in love with it. Is she going on tour? I'd see her just for this song. I'm left confused with her, still.
"Look at my eggs! Look at them! ..please? OH GOD, PLEASE!"
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