I still miss him.

Sometimes, when I'm laying in bed, for the couple moments right before I fall asleep.
When I'm shaving, making room for someone to be shaving by me that's not there.
While driving and I expect a hand on my thigh.
To puke out some random show quote to him, just to have him complete it.
When I feel someone looking at me, I turn around, and it's not him.
At times I feel my heart yearning for something I can't give it.

I really, really miss him.

And it happened on a Monday!

This is my last week of work, and I have nothing lined up for after it other than unemployment.
This is the most depressing thing ever! Except for breaking the ex's nose on my car.
But this is a close second.

A vacation is nice, but I'm praying that I don't fall insane.
A job with money would be nice, but good luck trying to solve that enigma.
Can't run away from this one, either. Not saying that I would.
But I totally would.

If I get past the next 2 months, I can get past all of '09!

"It's ok, as long as it doesn't touch me..."

Who's ready for 2009? Steven is.

I was hoping to come back to my cozy little blog with something to rant about. Or at least write a few paragraphs about how seeing Sarah Pallin cry filled the emptiness I've had inside for years. Unfortunately, because of the events in the last couple months, I have little more emotional strength than for self pity, at this point. Pathetic, I know. I figure that since I don't bith about it on a day to day basis I should at least blog about it.

Getting a new job was amazing a few months ago. It freed me from the tyranny of working for a massive corporation, and it came at the perfect time. However, due to the economic downturn, I'm guessing at this point it wasn't everything that I thought it would be. Amazing job, amazing pay, amazing hours, but it's gone. My company is choosing to downsize next month, and I'll be jobless right before Christmas. Merry Christmas, Steven. Try finding a job around this time of year that isn't retail or seasonal. See how ya do.
This was the perfect one month anniversary from having to break my ex's nose and walk around downtown Seattle, stranded for hours with blood down my shirt until I could get a bus to come back up north. Gotta love the fact he hid my keys.
The dent caused by his face is going to make it harder to get rid of my car, which (since it was purchased with my ex partner and I) I'm finding it nearly impossible to care for by myself.
Mix that with stress about housing, moving, actually seeing my Dad's side of the family (shocking, I know) for the holidays, and the usual financial struggle, and you can understand why I'm not really feeling this holiday season this year. Funny, nothing in the past has caused me to feel discouraged around this time of year, but this little cocktail I have going on is not helping in the slightest.

One day I'll look back and go "ya, that was a bad time but I learned _____ and how to ________ and I got _____ out of it." Right now it hurts. And it's hard. I can't quit, so I guess it's good that I'm no quitter.

BUT 2009 WILL BE FANTASTIC.
Starting the year off by seeing Adele in January, bear runs, pride, UK 09, and the holidays next year are going to make up the horrid, painfully long year 08 has been.
Thumbs up, I suppose.

Bitch Be OUT!!

Wednesday was an amazing day! Probably the best one in awhile, actually.
I had my interview for my new job. I felt it went extremely well, and I must say that I was sure that I had it.
So I quit my job.
Since I was in a horrible mood anyways, I figured that I would just quit. I knew if I didn't do it spontaneously (like most of my large decisions) it wouldn't happen. So after my first break, I sat down at my coach's desk, and told her I quit, I couldn't take it anymore, goddammit.
I could've been more dramatic about it, but then again, both avenues give me the same freedom, so why worry about it.
So I'm out. No more cell phone talk for me. If someone asks me about their bill, I'll seriously find a grapefruit spoon to stab your jugular with.
On Thursday I got the call that I officially got the job, which saves me from having to say that my awesome plan backfired and I didn't get the job, etc etc. I start in a week or so, I get to enjoy a little vacation right before my birthday weekend. It's an amazing time.

It's funny... You know it's a horrible place to work when you leave and people are like 'I'm so jealous! Congratulations! That's awesome!' bwhahaha.
I'm excited for this new job. We'll see how it goes.

OH! And 2009 is going to be Steven's Bear Run year. I'm planning on going to Phurfest AND Spring Thaw so far, but we'll see if anything else comes up. Sweeeeet.
Oh, bear runs. *le sigh*

<3

"I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"
"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"

Just sitting here alone this morning, slowly waking up. Waiting for the day to get started, but not anxious at this point. I have the feeling I need to jump start my life again and get everything blown back into proportion. Boys are scummy, and it's depressing. F'in boys. Maybe I'll become a lezzie.

Continues.

Portland is amazing. That's it, guys. End of story.
I drove down there on a spontaneous 'I'm gonna go to Vancouver/Portland' whim on Sunday, and I had such an amazing time! It gave me a chance to drive through Seattle and then Portland, kind of comparing the two. Portland wins, hands down.
The weather was very...'Seattle'...but it was fun to drive in. Better than being stuck in a hot stuffy car for a few hours. Traffic was nice both ways, which was a nice surprise. My time down there was even better.

Driving down there made me think of recent changes that have been going on. Not in my surroundings, but in the big space on top of my body (more commonly known as my head). It occurred to me that I've started to exercise my ...well, freedom, for lack of a better term. It felt so good being able to just jump in the car and go for a nice, long drive. I would have never been able to do that a couple months ago. And this is not because I would not have been 'allowed,' it's because I wouldn't have allowed myself to do it. I just didn't have motivation or the want to go out exploring like I used to, and this drive proved to me that I have that back.
It felt really, really nice.

In other news:

The job hunt continues. I'm trying to take it as one stride at a time. I learned from this past interview experience that you really can't count on anything, even if the fatbitchcowwomanwithagiantmoleeatingherface pretty much tells you that you have the job. I didn't like that false confidence at all, ma'am. Prospective jobs here in Bellingham as well as Blaine look good, though, so hopefully in a month or so I'll be out. OUT. Yes. What does that feel like? I don't know, to tell you the truth. To tell you the truth, I was only worried about having to pay an actual cell phone bill, but I'm simply going to move my line under my mom's account, and steal her discount. Yes, good plan.
And then I'll be able to get the new Google Android phone for free, still. hehe

Also, I got to hang out with everyone this past weekend which was amazing.
Pineapple Express was good, but for the record, Wall-E was better.
Except! For Seth Rogen. Is he not the most adorable thing ever? *le sigh*

...all while my cat licks herself.

I went to bed last night feeling socially accomplished. I'm proud of myself, really. Over the past week, I've managed to dig myself out of the socially primordial soup that had me swept in it's current.
I've already seen so many people I care about and met new ones that will be amazing to get to know. It's easy to forget, I suppose, how much I loved meeting new people. Meeting new people, to me, is like beginning a new adventure. Or, if you will, a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' novella (I swear they're novellas). Truly amazing, it is, and I'm exciting to be able to get to know new people... and reconnect with old ones. For example, the Regs. It's going to be amazing connecting with everyone that I used to be so close with, but at the same time, it's like nothings ever changed.

I love everyone.

...Oh, and during the entirety of this blog being created, my cat was sitting on my lap licking herself.

Blogging while naked! ...and lube.

Today I think that I might've been fired.

I went home because I wasn't feeling well (and I know I'll hear about it tomorrow), but at this point I feel like should have a tad bit more fear, but I don't care at this point. It'll give me an excuse to work somewhere else.

UPDATE: I didn't get fired. Hoorah, as it 'twer.

Moving on..

I helped my oh-so-lovely roomie move some of her stuff into my place this evening. It was nice doing some spontanious labor. The perfect end to the day, in my opinion.

It'll be nice to finally get everything over here, swap rooms, clean, and have my apartment be habitable again. Wading through a swamp of boxes to get to the door isn't my idea of a hospitable residence. I'll note you guys when we have our Re-Grand Opening.

In other news: After living in Bellingham for all of times, I was able to finally go to the Adult Shop (Read: Great Northern Books, I think). Most importantly, I was rather pleased with myself over the fact that I went alone, with no supervision. the owners (a friend older cub/bear couple) badgered me into getting Gun Oil, a silicone based lubricant. Woof.

I just though I'd share with you guys if you're looking for a silicone based lubricant. So entertaining to say. Silicone based lubricant.
PS: One of my pet peeves is stupid people in porn stores. Granted, it's a porn store and not everyone is 'comfortable' going in the, but that doesn't give you the right to be a dumb bitch and make everyone else unfortable for you. For example, you can say 'porn' in those stores. If you're asking the owners where something is, just say it without muttering or whispering. Chances are, if we hear you say 'Ya, um, I'm looking for some penaandiorano,' we know what you mean. Just say it. We're over 18.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I have so many awesome plans this weekend with awesome people, but I always have time for more.
More blogs to come.

The Ever Debatable Subject of Ms. Katy Perry

Oh, Katy Perry.

I remember when I first heard 'I Kissed a Girl' on the radio. In awe, I thought it was so awesome that a young, hip dyke finally made it on the music scene, exposed to the masses. You can imagine my dissapointment when I learned that she is, in fact, straight. Seriously, not even bi? Come one.

The fact that the is in part exploiting a certain niche' in order to gain popularity (remember JC Chasez' 2004 release 'Some Girls Dance With Women'? Didn't think so. But same thing) is kind of discouraging.

We don't deserve rights, but we MAKE ONE HELL OF A POP SONG!

The sad thing is that she probably only co-wrote the song, if that. Sure, it'll get her short term success, but how can she expect to gain long term success with what little talent she has? She's just gonna end up on VH1's 'Greatest One Hit Wonders of the New Millenium' or something.

PS: She's very much like a knock off Lady GaGa (who is, by the way, performing at a gay club in Seattle in about a week).




On the other hand, however, the fact that a 'gay themed' song can get so popular and pretty much start someone's carreer is rather amazing. Imagine a song like that being released 10yrs ago and you'd get hardly the same response. Well, wait, that was the time of Lilithfair, so nevermind. 20 years ago!

...then there was Culture club. Nevermind again. Ok, 50 years ago. Yes, 50 years ago and she would not have done so well (I'm just realizing how gay the last 20years have been).

Even if 'I Kissed a Girl' is somewhat defendable, the next single off of her album 'Ur So Gay,' isnt. To be honest, I'm kind of pissed about this song, and her lable would be smart to push her to release something else. Here's the opening verse/chorus of the song:

[Verse 1]I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf

While jacking off listening to MozartYou bitch and moan about LA

Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway

You don’t eat meatAnd drive electrical cars

You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art

You need SPF 45 just to stay alive

[CHORUS]You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys

No you don’t even like

No you don’t even like No you don’t even like boys

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even like

No you don’t even like No you don’t even like…

Seriously, really? Is that neccessary? Thanks for throwing us back in the circle of streotypes, ya chubby bitch. The rest of the song follows the same pattern, pretty much just throwing more 'gay remarks' at her interesting boy she's interested in.

I'm so over it.

You know who's a good artist that I'm really likin right about now? Justin Nozuka. He's a good guy. The new Jack Johnson (with more heart included), I always say. Listen to his first single, 'After Tonight,' and you'll fall in love. Make sure to listen to 'Golden Train' and 'Mr. Therepy Man.'

I just feel like original, mainstream artists are so hard to find nowadays. Which kinda just tells you just how dumbed down our generation is, especially the generations after us.

I mean, sure, I like some mainstream artists, just because I do get in the mood to listen to mindless music that will drop my IQ down by a few points, but I'm 'open,' and that's important. Not very many young people are nowadays (and that statement just made me feel really old, goddammit.)



Hopefully someone will break out that's hip, cool, AND socially aware... dare we ask for more? *le sigh*

Penning a New Chapter. Sooner Than I Thought.

It's really funny how different people react differently to the same situation. Well, I guess it's expected, but it's still strange. For some people, they process information as they go along and digest their surroundings at that specific moment. Apparently I'm broken, for this is not at all what I've found that I do.

I was laying on my bed listening to Adele again (which was not a good idea) last night, and for some bizzare reason, everything that's been thrown at me this past week/2weeks finally ran into my face.

Single. I'm single. I'm alone. There was nobody laying there with me last night. It was quiet, only the harmonics of the lovely Ms. Adkins and the kitty's obsessive nagging to keep me company. I suposse I've just been numb to the whole situation for the past few days. It' hard adjusting. I always welcome change, but adjusting is change's no-as-fun cousin. I love that man, but it really is one of those tragic situations where it really is in our best benefit to not be together (for the time being, at least). I am, however, nervous to try this whole 'casual dating' thing I keep hearing about. My brain has always been wired for a long term situation with someone, so I imagine that there's going to be a lot less stress and...complication about the whole thing. I imagine. I don't know this to be true, but one can only assume.

The living situation is changing as well. Which is for the best, that's true. Why would I want to be trapped in the place where I shared so many memories with someone that's no longer an active part of my life? A fresh start at it's best is what I'm going for, and what better way to do it? At least I'll have a best friend as a support system right down the hallway if I want to. Rocky road party, anyone?

And then there's school. Oh, my bittersweet relationship with school. I can either hold off for the time being, or talk to my father to help fund this endevor. Hmm. Not persue my passion or talk to someone that I haven't talked to in almost 2 years to ask for financial help. He'll probably just condemn me to hell once again. Eh. What's the worst that can I happen, I suppose.

It'll be interesting what happens in the next month. I'm just hoping that I don't lose all my hair by then. Sometimes I feel like my hair is all that I have...



...that and Darren Hayes, of course. *le sigh* Sing to me, Darren! Sing to me! OH GOD!

Thriller. Er, I mean, Thrills.

I don't care what people say. Ellen Allien is an amazing artist. I guess in order to really enjoy her music you must know somewhat what it takes to make good electro ("it's not hip hop, it's electro"). Granted, Thrills is not as good as her earlier release 'Berlinette,' but the experimentation of sounds and timing are rather stimulating. But only in all the right places.

A Rovolution Before My Time

For the last few days, I've found that I've kind of forced myself to get back in my 'documentary groove.' It's simply amazing to sit down and watch something that was put together by someone that had so much passion for something, even if it's something that you've never really thought twice about (Spelling bees? Really?)

Gay Sex in the 70's is another great film by Joseph F. Lovett. Following the 'gay explosion' (no pun intended, of course) from 1969-1981, you can't help but feel a sence of euphoria, a longing to be included in the radical ideals of that time. Sure, random sexual encounters were a way of life, but the fact that that just screamed a huge fuck you to the oppressional decades prior really hit home with me. I know that it seems...slutty. But you really need to learn how to look past the actual act and wonder what it is, subcontiously, these people wanted. What they were expecting. What they thought that they were going to accomplish. Well, what they did accomplish.

It was just so much more than sex in that time. It was the fact that now you could go out and find other people that were, for lack of a better term, living 'in the now' right along with you was, what I feel, what a lot of people were looking for. A longing to be accepted will drive you to do many things much worse than annonymous sexual episodes, in my opinion.

Towards the end of the film, it of course brings you through the inevitable downfall of the gay movement. The beginning of AIDS awareness and the change in social climate in the early 80's was a huge change. (PS: Did you now that before AIDS was called AIDS it was simply known as 'the gay cancer' because of the unusual, melanoma like rashes that were common. I didn't know that, either!) That is the one thing that I really hate about most 'gay' documentaries, they always crush all the happy times with the upheaval of AIDS at the end. Not a very good happy ending.

One can't help but hope that in one of these decades to come, a shift will happen again to bring change. Change that will make people less inhibited, less judmental, and more willing for change. There's an amazing difference between willing for change and accepting it.

I can only hope that it happens in my lifetime.

s.