I find the amount of self validation that I seek in others revolting.

While skimming through multiple social networking sites this morning, I started to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's a sinking feeling that I've gotten every now and then for as long as I can remember. The sinking feeling that slowly bubbles, churns, and spews up feelings of worthlessness and insecurity. Acidic feelings that weigh your body down and eat away at your self image.

If there's one thing that I've learned in my early 20s, it's that every community, no matter who you are, has situations that cause this feeling in it's members. Of course there's not being thin enough. Or being smart enough. Or rich enough. But what about the alternative communities? What happens when you're not fat, hairy, and masculine enough? What happens when you're not queer, ecofriendly, or left-wing enough? What happens when you're not the mold that your community has set forth for you to be? Going against the very community that may have been there for you to thrive in can also be the driving force for insanity.

Every case is different. I know that there are people out there that can say that they're in love with themselves. They wouldn't change anything for anything - they know that who they are is who they were meant to be, and it drives them.

What about the rest of us? For some of us, self confidence is fleeting. It comes and goes. It's completely proportional to your pant size, bulge of your wallet, or number of friends on Facebook. Why is it that for some of us, it's always just out of hands reach?

A couple years ago, I knew that I had done it. I had achieved the notoriety (as well as the confidence) that was rightfully mine. People knew me, I was in the middle of the everything, and it was nice knowing that I had a 'family' that I could count on. Fast forward a year, when all that is stripped away. Those that were believed to be my livelihood are gone, and when I look back on that life I can't seem to remember who was living it. When those people left, did they take my sense of belonging, of self love with them? Was my feeling validation attached to select people, giving them the right to take it away should they feel that I wasn't worthy any more? It's still shocking to me that I may have gave people that ability so easily, and now I have to fight to get it back. I have to fight to feel like I'm worth someone's time, like I'm worth someone's life. I have to fight to feel that I can stand up to the most attractive, the most successful, the most popular.

Or, on the other hand, are some of us destined to be the docile guys that sulk in the corners and feel that churning feeling in our stomach whenever someone we deem 'better' than ourselves enters the room? Knowing that I'm still young and have time to find how this works isn't enough for me. I don't want to feel this anymore, and I don't believe that I should have to. I'm waiting for the day when things click, and I find my beauty inside. Searching for what feels like an entertinity can be more than exhausting.

If you don't love yourself, how the hell are you supposed to love someone else?

That may be true, but how do you complete step one?

Funny that this is my first post in a couple of years.

New Years Everything (condensed)

Finally am done winding down from the holidays. Took me long enough, eh?

This past year, I tried to bypass the holidays as much as possible. After all, they're not there if you can't see them, right? Er, or is that not right?
The fact that the holidays were a COMPLETE 180 from last year was the most difficult thing I think I've had to work with in awhile. During Christmas of 2007, I had a family. I loved someone. I was stable. Somehow, that's all left me within the past year. Well, not necessarily somehow, perse', but..it's gone.
Who would have known that making one decision would cause my life to spiral, huh? I sure as fuck didn't stop to think about the ripples that everything causes, that's for sure. And now, months later, I'm not feeling the effects of everything that's been done over this past year. I know that everyone feels and heals differently, but seriously? Am I that emotionally delayed? I've found that I'm one of 'those people.' The ones that put on the brave 'I'm totally ok' faces. Looking back, it's so funny to me that I chose to put that face on, rather than eat my own choices and move forward. But why do that when I'm totally fine, right?

So here I am at the beginning of the new year. A year that I vowed would change my life forever in a positive direction, undoing the emotional raping that 2008 gave me. Here I am at the beginning, and I believe that I'm in the darkest space that I've ever been.
Ever? I do believe, that after looking back, yes, ever. I've never been simply 'floating' as much as I am right now. Jobless (yet again), lonely as anything, and in constant fear of losing everything.
I need to stop stressing. Afterall, that'll cause me to lose my hair, and at this point that's all I have going for me. That, of course, and my face full of fashion. But that's a different blog.
My year of hope and determination, of goals and adventures, has started off with a blank, dull piece of butcher paper. Which I suppose is only fitting. Makes it easier to gauge your progress, right? May be true, but it just feels like the sky just opened up and sprayed diarhea on your face, truely.

But what can ya do? You have to move through these things. I can't run away, so what else is there to do? I have to pull out my independant skills and do whatever I have to do in order to make sure that I'm not only ok, but in a space to complete everything that I want to this year. Some people say to think and act only day-by-day, but I find that logic severely flawed. Shouldn't you look forward, to the future, so that you can see what you need to accomplish and do what's neccesary in order to get to that space? Day-by-day implies that if you make it through today, then it's ok, that's all that you had to do. Talk about floundering. LIVE for today, yes, but think forward in order to get your shit together.
I figure within the first quarter of this year, I'll be stable and ready to do what I need to for the rest of the year, which is good. Realistic and comforting. Those two very rarely go together, so I'm excited about the possibilities.


Now that I'm done with that. Time to tackle Katy Perry. I know that I've ranted about her before. I mean, my first post on this site (and my favorite to date) was about her. I hate I Kissed a Girl.
That being said, her new single is AMAZING. Perhaps I was too quick to judge this 'record lable manufactured wet dream'?
'Thinking of You' says everything in four minutes that I've been trying to say for months. The fact that she wrote it herself says something for the fact that she knows how her voice works. Her voice glides without ever stumbling (don't even get me started on Hot & Cold), it's rather perfect. The video plays on her 'I swear I'm uber retro' motif, but I can forgive that, for she shared this masterpiece with us. Perhaps I'm easy to please, or the fact that this is EXACTLY what I've needed to hear forever, but I'm in love with it. Is she going on tour? I'd see her just for this song. I'm left confused with her, still.


"Look at my eggs! Look at them! ..please? OH GOD, PLEASE!"

I still miss him.

Sometimes, when I'm laying in bed, for the couple moments right before I fall asleep.
When I'm shaving, making room for someone to be shaving by me that's not there.
While driving and I expect a hand on my thigh.
To puke out some random show quote to him, just to have him complete it.
When I feel someone looking at me, I turn around, and it's not him.
At times I feel my heart yearning for something I can't give it.

I really, really miss him.

And it happened on a Monday!

This is my last week of work, and I have nothing lined up for after it other than unemployment.
This is the most depressing thing ever! Except for breaking the ex's nose on my car.
But this is a close second.

A vacation is nice, but I'm praying that I don't fall insane.
A job with money would be nice, but good luck trying to solve that enigma.
Can't run away from this one, either. Not saying that I would.
But I totally would.

If I get past the next 2 months, I can get past all of '09!

"It's ok, as long as it doesn't touch me..."

Who's ready for 2009? Steven is.

I was hoping to come back to my cozy little blog with something to rant about. Or at least write a few paragraphs about how seeing Sarah Pallin cry filled the emptiness I've had inside for years. Unfortunately, because of the events in the last couple months, I have little more emotional strength than for self pity, at this point. Pathetic, I know. I figure that since I don't bith about it on a day to day basis I should at least blog about it.

Getting a new job was amazing a few months ago. It freed me from the tyranny of working for a massive corporation, and it came at the perfect time. However, due to the economic downturn, I'm guessing at this point it wasn't everything that I thought it would be. Amazing job, amazing pay, amazing hours, but it's gone. My company is choosing to downsize next month, and I'll be jobless right before Christmas. Merry Christmas, Steven. Try finding a job around this time of year that isn't retail or seasonal. See how ya do.
This was the perfect one month anniversary from having to break my ex's nose and walk around downtown Seattle, stranded for hours with blood down my shirt until I could get a bus to come back up north. Gotta love the fact he hid my keys.
The dent caused by his face is going to make it harder to get rid of my car, which (since it was purchased with my ex partner and I) I'm finding it nearly impossible to care for by myself.
Mix that with stress about housing, moving, actually seeing my Dad's side of the family (shocking, I know) for the holidays, and the usual financial struggle, and you can understand why I'm not really feeling this holiday season this year. Funny, nothing in the past has caused me to feel discouraged around this time of year, but this little cocktail I have going on is not helping in the slightest.

One day I'll look back and go "ya, that was a bad time but I learned _____ and how to ________ and I got _____ out of it." Right now it hurts. And it's hard. I can't quit, so I guess it's good that I'm no quitter.

BUT 2009 WILL BE FANTASTIC.
Starting the year off by seeing Adele in January, bear runs, pride, UK 09, and the holidays next year are going to make up the horrid, painfully long year 08 has been.
Thumbs up, I suppose.

Bitch Be OUT!!

Wednesday was an amazing day! Probably the best one in awhile, actually.
I had my interview for my new job. I felt it went extremely well, and I must say that I was sure that I had it.
So I quit my job.
Since I was in a horrible mood anyways, I figured that I would just quit. I knew if I didn't do it spontaneously (like most of my large decisions) it wouldn't happen. So after my first break, I sat down at my coach's desk, and told her I quit, I couldn't take it anymore, goddammit.
I could've been more dramatic about it, but then again, both avenues give me the same freedom, so why worry about it.
So I'm out. No more cell phone talk for me. If someone asks me about their bill, I'll seriously find a grapefruit spoon to stab your jugular with.
On Thursday I got the call that I officially got the job, which saves me from having to say that my awesome plan backfired and I didn't get the job, etc etc. I start in a week or so, I get to enjoy a little vacation right before my birthday weekend. It's an amazing time.

It's funny... You know it's a horrible place to work when you leave and people are like 'I'm so jealous! Congratulations! That's awesome!' bwhahaha.
I'm excited for this new job. We'll see how it goes.

OH! And 2009 is going to be Steven's Bear Run year. I'm planning on going to Phurfest AND Spring Thaw so far, but we'll see if anything else comes up. Sweeeeet.
Oh, bear runs. *le sigh*

<3

"I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"
"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"

Just sitting here alone this morning, slowly waking up. Waiting for the day to get started, but not anxious at this point. I have the feeling I need to jump start my life again and get everything blown back into proportion. Boys are scummy, and it's depressing. F'in boys. Maybe I'll become a lezzie.

Continues.

Portland is amazing. That's it, guys. End of story.
I drove down there on a spontaneous 'I'm gonna go to Vancouver/Portland' whim on Sunday, and I had such an amazing time! It gave me a chance to drive through Seattle and then Portland, kind of comparing the two. Portland wins, hands down.
The weather was very...'Seattle'...but it was fun to drive in. Better than being stuck in a hot stuffy car for a few hours. Traffic was nice both ways, which was a nice surprise. My time down there was even better.

Driving down there made me think of recent changes that have been going on. Not in my surroundings, but in the big space on top of my body (more commonly known as my head). It occurred to me that I've started to exercise my ...well, freedom, for lack of a better term. It felt so good being able to just jump in the car and go for a nice, long drive. I would have never been able to do that a couple months ago. And this is not because I would not have been 'allowed,' it's because I wouldn't have allowed myself to do it. I just didn't have motivation or the want to go out exploring like I used to, and this drive proved to me that I have that back.
It felt really, really nice.

In other news:

The job hunt continues. I'm trying to take it as one stride at a time. I learned from this past interview experience that you really can't count on anything, even if the fatbitchcowwomanwithagiantmoleeatingherface pretty much tells you that you have the job. I didn't like that false confidence at all, ma'am. Prospective jobs here in Bellingham as well as Blaine look good, though, so hopefully in a month or so I'll be out. OUT. Yes. What does that feel like? I don't know, to tell you the truth. To tell you the truth, I was only worried about having to pay an actual cell phone bill, but I'm simply going to move my line under my mom's account, and steal her discount. Yes, good plan.
And then I'll be able to get the new Google Android phone for free, still. hehe

Also, I got to hang out with everyone this past weekend which was amazing.
Pineapple Express was good, but for the record, Wall-E was better.
Except! For Seth Rogen. Is he not the most adorable thing ever? *le sigh*

...all while my cat licks herself.

I went to bed last night feeling socially accomplished. I'm proud of myself, really. Over the past week, I've managed to dig myself out of the socially primordial soup that had me swept in it's current.
I've already seen so many people I care about and met new ones that will be amazing to get to know. It's easy to forget, I suppose, how much I loved meeting new people. Meeting new people, to me, is like beginning a new adventure. Or, if you will, a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' novella (I swear they're novellas). Truly amazing, it is, and I'm exciting to be able to get to know new people... and reconnect with old ones. For example, the Regs. It's going to be amazing connecting with everyone that I used to be so close with, but at the same time, it's like nothings ever changed.

I love everyone.

...Oh, and during the entirety of this blog being created, my cat was sitting on my lap licking herself.

Blogging while naked! ...and lube.

Today I think that I might've been fired.

I went home because I wasn't feeling well (and I know I'll hear about it tomorrow), but at this point I feel like should have a tad bit more fear, but I don't care at this point. It'll give me an excuse to work somewhere else.

UPDATE: I didn't get fired. Hoorah, as it 'twer.

Moving on..

I helped my oh-so-lovely roomie move some of her stuff into my place this evening. It was nice doing some spontanious labor. The perfect end to the day, in my opinion.

It'll be nice to finally get everything over here, swap rooms, clean, and have my apartment be habitable again. Wading through a swamp of boxes to get to the door isn't my idea of a hospitable residence. I'll note you guys when we have our Re-Grand Opening.

In other news: After living in Bellingham for all of times, I was able to finally go to the Adult Shop (Read: Great Northern Books, I think). Most importantly, I was rather pleased with myself over the fact that I went alone, with no supervision. the owners (a friend older cub/bear couple) badgered me into getting Gun Oil, a silicone based lubricant. Woof.

I just though I'd share with you guys if you're looking for a silicone based lubricant. So entertaining to say. Silicone based lubricant.
PS: One of my pet peeves is stupid people in porn stores. Granted, it's a porn store and not everyone is 'comfortable' going in the, but that doesn't give you the right to be a dumb bitch and make everyone else unfortable for you. For example, you can say 'porn' in those stores. If you're asking the owners where something is, just say it without muttering or whispering. Chances are, if we hear you say 'Ya, um, I'm looking for some penaandiorano,' we know what you mean. Just say it. We're over 18.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I have so many awesome plans this weekend with awesome people, but I always have time for more.
More blogs to come.

The Ever Debatable Subject of Ms. Katy Perry

Oh, Katy Perry.

I remember when I first heard 'I Kissed a Girl' on the radio. In awe, I thought it was so awesome that a young, hip dyke finally made it on the music scene, exposed to the masses. You can imagine my dissapointment when I learned that she is, in fact, straight. Seriously, not even bi? Come one.

The fact that the is in part exploiting a certain niche' in order to gain popularity (remember JC Chasez' 2004 release 'Some Girls Dance With Women'? Didn't think so. But same thing) is kind of discouraging.

We don't deserve rights, but we MAKE ONE HELL OF A POP SONG!

The sad thing is that she probably only co-wrote the song, if that. Sure, it'll get her short term success, but how can she expect to gain long term success with what little talent she has? She's just gonna end up on VH1's 'Greatest One Hit Wonders of the New Millenium' or something.

PS: She's very much like a knock off Lady GaGa (who is, by the way, performing at a gay club in Seattle in about a week).




On the other hand, however, the fact that a 'gay themed' song can get so popular and pretty much start someone's carreer is rather amazing. Imagine a song like that being released 10yrs ago and you'd get hardly the same response. Well, wait, that was the time of Lilithfair, so nevermind. 20 years ago!

...then there was Culture club. Nevermind again. Ok, 50 years ago. Yes, 50 years ago and she would not have done so well (I'm just realizing how gay the last 20years have been).

Even if 'I Kissed a Girl' is somewhat defendable, the next single off of her album 'Ur So Gay,' isnt. To be honest, I'm kind of pissed about this song, and her lable would be smart to push her to release something else. Here's the opening verse/chorus of the song:

[Verse 1]I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf

While jacking off listening to MozartYou bitch and moan about LA

Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway

You don’t eat meatAnd drive electrical cars

You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art

You need SPF 45 just to stay alive

[CHORUS]You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys

No you don’t even like

No you don’t even like No you don’t even like boys

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boysNo you don’t even like

No you don’t even like No you don’t even like…

Seriously, really? Is that neccessary? Thanks for throwing us back in the circle of streotypes, ya chubby bitch. The rest of the song follows the same pattern, pretty much just throwing more 'gay remarks' at her interesting boy she's interested in.

I'm so over it.

You know who's a good artist that I'm really likin right about now? Justin Nozuka. He's a good guy. The new Jack Johnson (with more heart included), I always say. Listen to his first single, 'After Tonight,' and you'll fall in love. Make sure to listen to 'Golden Train' and 'Mr. Therepy Man.'

I just feel like original, mainstream artists are so hard to find nowadays. Which kinda just tells you just how dumbed down our generation is, especially the generations after us.

I mean, sure, I like some mainstream artists, just because I do get in the mood to listen to mindless music that will drop my IQ down by a few points, but I'm 'open,' and that's important. Not very many young people are nowadays (and that statement just made me feel really old, goddammit.)



Hopefully someone will break out that's hip, cool, AND socially aware... dare we ask for more? *le sigh*

Penning a New Chapter. Sooner Than I Thought.

It's really funny how different people react differently to the same situation. Well, I guess it's expected, but it's still strange. For some people, they process information as they go along and digest their surroundings at that specific moment. Apparently I'm broken, for this is not at all what I've found that I do.

I was laying on my bed listening to Adele again (which was not a good idea) last night, and for some bizzare reason, everything that's been thrown at me this past week/2weeks finally ran into my face.

Single. I'm single. I'm alone. There was nobody laying there with me last night. It was quiet, only the harmonics of the lovely Ms. Adkins and the kitty's obsessive nagging to keep me company. I suposse I've just been numb to the whole situation for the past few days. It' hard adjusting. I always welcome change, but adjusting is change's no-as-fun cousin. I love that man, but it really is one of those tragic situations where it really is in our best benefit to not be together (for the time being, at least). I am, however, nervous to try this whole 'casual dating' thing I keep hearing about. My brain has always been wired for a long term situation with someone, so I imagine that there's going to be a lot less stress and...complication about the whole thing. I imagine. I don't know this to be true, but one can only assume.

The living situation is changing as well. Which is for the best, that's true. Why would I want to be trapped in the place where I shared so many memories with someone that's no longer an active part of my life? A fresh start at it's best is what I'm going for, and what better way to do it? At least I'll have a best friend as a support system right down the hallway if I want to. Rocky road party, anyone?

And then there's school. Oh, my bittersweet relationship with school. I can either hold off for the time being, or talk to my father to help fund this endevor. Hmm. Not persue my passion or talk to someone that I haven't talked to in almost 2 years to ask for financial help. He'll probably just condemn me to hell once again. Eh. What's the worst that can I happen, I suppose.

It'll be interesting what happens in the next month. I'm just hoping that I don't lose all my hair by then. Sometimes I feel like my hair is all that I have...



...that and Darren Hayes, of course. *le sigh* Sing to me, Darren! Sing to me! OH GOD!

Thriller. Er, I mean, Thrills.

I don't care what people say. Ellen Allien is an amazing artist. I guess in order to really enjoy her music you must know somewhat what it takes to make good electro ("it's not hip hop, it's electro"). Granted, Thrills is not as good as her earlier release 'Berlinette,' but the experimentation of sounds and timing are rather stimulating. But only in all the right places.

A Rovolution Before My Time

For the last few days, I've found that I've kind of forced myself to get back in my 'documentary groove.' It's simply amazing to sit down and watch something that was put together by someone that had so much passion for something, even if it's something that you've never really thought twice about (Spelling bees? Really?)

Gay Sex in the 70's is another great film by Joseph F. Lovett. Following the 'gay explosion' (no pun intended, of course) from 1969-1981, you can't help but feel a sence of euphoria, a longing to be included in the radical ideals of that time. Sure, random sexual encounters were a way of life, but the fact that that just screamed a huge fuck you to the oppressional decades prior really hit home with me. I know that it seems...slutty. But you really need to learn how to look past the actual act and wonder what it is, subcontiously, these people wanted. What they were expecting. What they thought that they were going to accomplish. Well, what they did accomplish.

It was just so much more than sex in that time. It was the fact that now you could go out and find other people that were, for lack of a better term, living 'in the now' right along with you was, what I feel, what a lot of people were looking for. A longing to be accepted will drive you to do many things much worse than annonymous sexual episodes, in my opinion.

Towards the end of the film, it of course brings you through the inevitable downfall of the gay movement. The beginning of AIDS awareness and the change in social climate in the early 80's was a huge change. (PS: Did you now that before AIDS was called AIDS it was simply known as 'the gay cancer' because of the unusual, melanoma like rashes that were common. I didn't know that, either!) That is the one thing that I really hate about most 'gay' documentaries, they always crush all the happy times with the upheaval of AIDS at the end. Not a very good happy ending.

One can't help but hope that in one of these decades to come, a shift will happen again to bring change. Change that will make people less inhibited, less judmental, and more willing for change. There's an amazing difference between willing for change and accepting it.

I can only hope that it happens in my lifetime.

s.